The greatest good in life is to know God. One of the ways we learn to know God is through prayer. Dwelling on this, I ask myself, "Why don't I pray more?" Conistency between belief and practice is important to me, yet where is my time spent with God to prove it?

Guilt, soggy self-hate, fills me. I don't pray enough. When I do pray, it's not hard enough, disciplined enough, long enough. I don't get up early. I don't set aside time each day even, though I try.

One of the reasons I feel that I fail in prayer is because I imagine an ideal prayer life consisting of getting up at 5 every morning for prayer, and praying down a list of things for about for an hour or so. While that may indeed be part of a disciplined prayer life, I need to remember that prayer, like all spiritual disciplines, is an excercise. As in physical excercise, the same routine is not beneficial for every person straight across the board. This also means that I need to start small and be consistent. God calls each of us to pray in a different way. He speaks to each of us in a unique way. For me, if I attempt to pray in a very structured way, my mind will end up wandering. Instead, I find that if I pray for whatever topic is at the moment distracting me, I can focus on the prayer, not the distraction. This is also God's way of moving me to pray for things I might not think to pray about normally.

In moments of prayer this week, two things were impressed on me. One was that I need to listen, not just talk/ask God requests. The other was that I am allowed to use my imagination in prayer. As I was frustrated that my mind kept interfering with being still and hearing God speak, the authoritative thought came, "Use your imagination. I want your imagination." Is it God speaking in those authoritative thoughts? I think yes.

This week we read about prayer. Though I had intended to set time aside to pray privately, most of the week I didn't set a nice chunk of time aside for it.  I finally did get a chance for a nice long conversation with God. Fog and rain wrapped around the house, so I curled up next to my open window and listened. Cool wet drizzle freshened the air. At first, the feelings of inadequacy in prayer kept me from  truly praying. When I remembered that God wants me to approach Him as a Father, I allowed myself to simply talk to Him. Peace came as I spoke to Him, and He in turn spoke to me. 45 min. was just not enough time! The rest of my day was centered and God-motivated. As a result, my actions were more focused, and I was able to reach out and put other's interests first much more easily.

After spending time in prayer, life slides into perspective. God wants us to talk to Him, and we ourselves benefit much from prayer. Just think, it's communication with the infinitely good, faithful, everpresent God. What a beautiful gift prayer is. It's so simple, really.

 I found the exercise of meditation to be the murkiest discipline to exercise yet.  In part, that's because I already practice it more than any other, almost out of proportion perhaps. Because of this, trying to practice it in other ways than I am used to felt unnatural. I always find strength when I wander away from civilization to spend time thinking about life and God, or simply am still and soak in nature, even if for a few minutes.

However, I purposed on reading this chapter to try something different. Instead of being dependent on a nature experience, I tried to find a quiet place inside to focus and listen to God. I nearly predicted the results. The first time I sat down to meditate I fell asleep, and the next time, my mind was unfocused. Even though I was attempting to spend 30 min dwelling on God and how He has worked in my life, I kept wanting to bring other disciplines into that time such as reading the Bible and praying. Without bringing those disciplines in, I veered to think about everyday things. That's when I realized that meditation isn't an exclusive discipline but an overarching one.  Our book seems to describe it as standing alone,  but from my limited experience, I think that meditation is merely a term that describes the time we spend with God. Today we call it devotions, but it incorporates not just stillness of mind, but dwelling on Scriptures and talking to God. It's not enough to just clear our minds, yoga-style. It's important that we fill our minds up with the Word of God and prayer.

Everyone has a unique way of approaching meditation. This week served to confirm what I knew already: I'm a nature girl, and my best quality "God time" is spend out of doors. Since I know what works for me, I need to set aside time to actually sneak out of doors and meditate. The challenge for me is just setting aside the time. I didn't this week, in part because most of my week involved going on Kuyper's worship tour. Though we worshipped sweetly and plentifully,  it was hard to set aside quiet time. Corporate worship cannot make up for private meditation.

I have nothing to offer as I write this. No profound meditation experience occurred, because I just didn't set aside the time. And I'm feeling the results. I'm less focused, more tired, and a little down. When I spend time in meditation, I am filled up for the day. Ordinary tasks are easier and more focused when I have already consecrated part of my day wholly to God. Here's to making a point of meditating regularly!

There's a certain sorrow that accompanies any serious discussion of sin. Our sin distances ourselves from God and hurts not only ourselves and the people around us, but darkens the world as well, as it distorts God's plan for Creation.

Last week, our class read the chapter on confession in Foster's book, Celebration of the Disciplines. I grew skeptical when he declared that "The followers of Jesus Christ have been given the authority to receive the confession of sin and to forgive it in His name." I had never come in contact with the idea that Christians are actually commanded by Scripture to confess their heart sins to each other, not just because we need to get it off our chests, but as a vital part of ministering to each other and bringing to light the forgiveness extended to us by God through Jesus' sacrifice. As I pondered the chapter, I realized that though I regularly confess to God, I still continue to carry feelings of insufficiency and guilt.

The more I read, the more convicted I was to practice the act of confession in my own life. I purposed to remind myself that even though I do still sin regularly, as a child of God, that sin no longer needs to be carried around by me, but has already been removed to the shoulders of Jesus, and He has conquered them and borne the guilt, shame, and punishment I deserve. Through His power, I am seen as pure, clean, and sinless in God's eyes! For the first time in years, I was held in true wonderment at how and why God would work such a miracle. This truth has been taught to me since before I could remember, and had grown stale in my mind, but I have been reminded of its potency through the simple act of declaring to myself, "You are forgiven. God has removed your sins as far as the east is from the west - they are forgotten by Him. In His eyes, you are already restored."

As part of this discipline, I made a point of sharing this discovery with some of my close friends. As they privately related some of their struggles, I reminded them that God has freed them from all sin so that they no longer need to carry that guilt. The work has already been done. As I spoke, they stilled, and I saw peace enter their eyes. God's truth is powerful!

 Yes, Christians sin - we're only human. But our sin no longer carries the sting of death because though we deserve the punishment for it, our sin is already conquered. Even as powerful as sin is, it cannot change God's love for people, and only it only serves to highlight His goodness.

Often, we Christians use the term worship without thinking. Worship services, praise and worship, worship songs. What are we truly doing when we are worshiping?

What is worship?

To quote one of the readings for my class, "To worship is to quicken the conscience by the holiness of God, to feed the mind with the truth of God, to purge the imagination by the beauty of God, to open the heart to the love of God, to devote the will to the purpose of God...To worship is to experience Reality, to touch Life." (1.)  In my own experience, to worship is to glimpse God's attributes, which is an exceedingly beautiful experience. It is beautiful, joyful, and peaceful in the presence of God. The breathtaking fact about God is that He is everything good. The purest delight, the deepest compassion, the most thunderous sense of justice, the heartiest laugh among friends, the broadest scope of an artist's imagination, the most powerful vista and the intricate workings of a quark, are only little pictures of who God really is. When we worship, we stand on the shore of the ocean of His goodness, and realize that this good God is perfectly able to take care of all of our needs. Not only that, but He longs to do so. The best moment of every fairy tale is right in front of us, and it's TRUE! When I truly worship, I think, why didn't I do this earlier, why haven't I done this every minute of every day?

Why don't we seek to worship God more?

Worship is uncomfortable. There it is. To seek God we have to put our own  priorities aside and let nothing come between us. Sin has no place before God. We have to put blinders on and turn our faces to the pure Light. To face a God that knows everything about us, and to realize how much sin is left in us, must be a humbling experience. God declares that He is jealous for us; He loves us and hates for anything to come between us (Exodus 20:5-6). We have to offer our whole hearts to God; He will accept nothing less. I picture prying open our bleeding rib cages and letting God literally rip our hearts out of our chests. Pain! But what beauty and healing will come from that discomfort. We will be healed and made new. He will do all of the work, we need only submit to His operation. It's so very simple, really.

 To borrow an image from C.S. Lewis, we are like children who do not want to leave off playing with our mud puddles when we are offered to go to the beach.

Let's go to the beach! Let's immerse ourselves in the truth of God! Let's worship!




1. As quoted in Celebration of the Disciplines Foster, Richard J. 1978, Harper Collins, New York, NY. p. 158

Having never had a blog before, I'm rather intimidated writing my first post now. What can I say that will make reading this worth your time? All I can do is offer you a glimpse of who I am and what I think. I hope that you may be blessed by what you read.

Because this blog was created for my Spiritual Formation class which I'm taking at Kuyper College, my posts will be prompted by themes I'll be exploring in class. The main object of this class is that we grow in deeper communion and intimacy with God by developing our daily spirituality. I know, deep stuff. But good stuff I think. This is not intended to be a place where I'll overbearingly flaunt my beliefs; I'm just inviting you to follow my spiritual journey this semester.

Don't you love it when personal goals and school goals line up? This blog fits into my personal goals by providing a place to think aloud about the Christian life in general and my own spiritual journey.  I'm pretty excited to discover what God has in store through this class this semester. Come along for the ride!